As I am looking back and mourning my broken marriage, the phrase "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind. I write this and I am chuckling. 'Ignorance is bliss'....
So, why does this make thinking of blissful ignorance make me chuckle...??
I had adopted this idea of 'fit the perfect' image then all of the 'broken' parts would be made whole or at least non-existent. I couldn't. You see...it wasn't that I was not capable of fitting the perfect image. Please don't hear me say " I am the perfect image", but do hear me say: we are all capable. We are all capable because we are defining perfect based on our definition and finite mind capability. some would accuse me of being too 'doormat' or too dominant, or him being too 'passive' or to 'commanding'. I would agree that I tended to make the BIGGEST majority of the decisions in my marriage. It was not because I wanted to... I would ask and wait. Sometimes the answer was time-sensitive. If he said "yes" or if he said "no", I would not question or argue - I would go along.
I truly wanted to believe that our broken parts were not THAT broken. But...once you know something - you cannot unknow it.
I wanted my marriage to work.
I love him still.
God's word says that 'love covers a multitude of sins'. In my marriage, it is the only thing that explains my lack of recognizing the really broken parts. But maybe I chose ignorance. Maybe I wanted him to love me so much that I couldn't face the reality of him being incapable of loving me in return. To the point that a few years ago a friend - who was really being a friend - approached me and suggested that my (now) ex-husband may have a condition that will likely require some intervention. It frightened me. I didn't have the emotional energy to even consider what he had suggested let alone address the concern.
In July of 2019, the reality that my (now) ex-husband having a sex addiction had come into the light for me. I think a part of me knew it, but didn't want to accept it nor did I know how to recognize it or communicate it (per my previous blog entry "I was too embarassed"). Without even thinking, I signed up for a group for wives of sex addicts. I did it in such a fog that I had forgotten until I received an email asking those attending to answer some questions to be considering for the first meeting. I spent some time considering the questions. I answered them very 'guarded' - I see that now. I wanted to protect my then husband and my children. What if they find out about his addiction? What will they think of me? of him?? of themselves??
The first meeting. I logged on (per the instructions from email). Thank God for zoom!!! As I watched other wives coming on, my anxiety was growing. What had I gotten myself into?? Why are there so many woman needing this? How did I becom part of 'this' group? THIS KIND OF GROUP?? How do I 'stay' here and hold my hand up to confess "Hi, my name is Carrie and I am a spouse of a sex addict"??
The stories of these women began! Boy, there should have been a surgeon general's warning to this portion. I didn't know what to expect - remember: ignorance is bliss!! The Lord protected me from the initial feeling of realization. At the time, I was not grateful for the ignorance as I am today. Not knowing what to expect kept me there. The next eight weeks were wonderful and extremely hard. Listening to the stories of these other wives, admitting my own responsibility in his addiction, the language and the validation of what I had experienced in my relationship with him -
As I shared in a previous blog entry, I chose to separate. All the shame of his addiction could not be protected any longer.
Ignorance is NO LONGER bliss...
God's word is clear "then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). I am not afraid of the truth anymore. I know that everything brought in the light to be seen by man has already been seen by a loving, sovereign God. Who has promised to "work all things together, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28). I know that whatever is known is known by God. That can be as re-assuring as it is scary. He is forgiving and just.
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