Care (part 3)

If I am capable to caring for my own basic needs 

(ie. housing, food, water, etc), 

what can I expect from my relationships?

Nothing.

I know you are probably like I should expect nothing from my husband,
nothing from my parents, my children, my siblings.
you
Correct.

The key to why I say nothing is the word expectations.

You see expectations are a funny thing.
I heard once that
"Expectations kills relationships."

When I heard this statement it made me pause.
It made me pause, because I had place unrealistic expectations on
the relationships around me.
Unrealistic expectations are stemmed from selfishness,
and selfishness does not belong in a relationship.
With anyone!!!

The original question
(If I am capable to caring for my own basic needs

(ie. housing, food, water, etc), 

what can I expect from my relationships?)

 already eludes to the fact that I have unrealistic expectations:
If I am capable....  then you are capable.
This is assuming that you are capable whether you are or not.
Willing or not.
Trustworthy or not.

I have to remind myself it's not what I can get from you
in our relationship,
it's what i can give.

Care (part 2 )

If you read my previous post, you learned a little bit about "Little Bobby".

Because of "Little Bobby's" health concerns, my decision to 

care for his basic needs is not an option.

Nor is it an option for his parents and grandparents.

In order for his basic needs to be met, he depends on them (or me)

'to give attention' to or 'care' for him. 

Here's what I can expect from myself: 

1. To invest good will. 

2. Caution. 

3.  A responsiblity to see you as a person. 

4.  A responsibility to treat you with an 

understanding that your value, placed by God, 

was given and completed upon conception. 

5.  An understanding that anything I have learned, 

because God allowed, is for me- and I can not expect you to 

understand what God has allowed for me to learn. 

6.  A realization that God will allow lessons for you...trust Him. 

7.  When you ask about what I have learned, then AND ONLY THEN will

I insert my opinion or perspective.  It is at that point, that you can decide to 

what to do with I have learned.  In other words, I will 

not expect you to learn from my mistakes and I will not 

expect you to want to understand what I learned unless you ask. 

"Little Bobby" depends on me when I am entrusted with his care. 

People assume he does not need what you and I, 

with out a special need, 

need. 

Things like companionship, trust that you will care, 

a smile, or a kind word,

 but, on the contrary, 

every person, created in the image of God

 (this includes everyone), 

needs the same thing: 

To be cared for as a "little Bobby".

That's my responsibility. 

Care

I have the privilege of working with a family as a respite caregiver.  

When the mom approached me and asked if I would be willing to help, 

my out loud and first response was "Sure".  

I like to help people.  

(Sometimes too much if I am honest.)

So I committed. 

I really didn't know the mom well.

But....

I had grown to really love her parents, and   

she and I "knew" each other from church.

What I did know was that she was 

VERY private about herself and her private life. 

I didn't understand. 

The part that I didn't understand was this driving 

need to protect her child with special needs. 

I don't have a child with special needs - 

how could I ever understand. 

Now, if we all admit, as a parent, we can all 

become somewhat irrational when it comes

to protecting our children. 

This was not like that. 

I have since grown to love "Little Bobby", 

his momma, and grown 

an ever deeper respect

for his grandparents.  They had just

buried his parents a few years before this...

and they went right into caring for "Little Bobby". 
"Little Bobby" does require around the clock attention. 

Not 100% attention, but 'attention'.

Enter my role...

I was nervous.  He was more care for one person than I had ever

encountered. There was a lot to learn about him and his care. 

They left me with him. 

Entrusting me with someone that only family 

had cared for....they trusted me!!

I began that commitment four years ago. 

"Little Bobby" has taught me so much. 

He has taught me what determination, perspective, and contentment really looks like 

You see.... "Little Bobby"...

He is not verbal - as we understand verbal, but he does communicate. 

He is not mobile - as we understand mobile, but he gets to where he wants to go. 

He is smart, intriguing, aware of others...

He gets hurt, angry, sad, disappointed (I think this only happens when he sees me as his caregiver). 

Care is a funny thing. 

Defined care means that suffering of mind, apprehension, charge or supervision, 

painstaking or watchful attention, to feel interest or concern, to give care. 

As I continue to spend time with "Little Bobby" and his family...

the feeling of concern has grown. 

I had to relinquish parts of my commitment to a family commitment of my

own and knowing he was taken care of by someone else was tough. 

I finally understood that protection that his momma felt. 

The 'new' caregiver was/is my daughter.  

You would think that i would have confidence in her ability to care for him. 

You see, it is not her lack of capability it is because I have grown to care 

for his needs like he is my child. 

I finally understood the necessity of respite caregivers.  

Giving care is hard. 

Fortunately, I have not been in a position to request for 

respite care giving for my own care or a family member's care. 

I am grateful.

But I also will never ask someone that is a position of constant

care giving to 'do more'. 

Everyone of us are involved in a relationship of some sort. 

A spouse. 

A parent. 

A child.

A sibling. 

A neighbor. 

I am firm believer I should 

care for you, in my relationship, as something 

of value and fragility. 

Asking me to give more in a common everyday relationship

is not asking too much. 

Old Lesssons

As the pastor was about to dismiss us to enjoy 

the rest of the day celebrating Christ's Resurrection,

 my husband gave me his hand to hold.  

He was told when our oldest was about 

to be born to "only offer two fingers for a hand during a contraction". 

The theory, according to the nurse, was it 

would cause less pain for my husband.  

Now, I am not proud to say that my husband and I lived together 

before getting married. 

So, upon moving in, my then fiancé decided that 

I needed some skills of self-defense.

He WAS NOT thinking about one thing: 

I would need someone to practice on. 

So, as per tradition each Sunday, our congregation, 

when dismissed, spends 

the following hour visiting 

- Yes, I am serious. -  

The children play and the adults visit. 

The gentleman that sat in front of my husband and I turned around and  

extended his hand to shake my husband's hand. 

My husband gave an amusing response: 

A grimacing face and a soft, buckling knee. 

I giggled.

My husband, as he grabbed my hand to hold, I took three fingers and squeezed. 

I squeezed hard causing his grimace and soft knee.

The gentleman responded with a question on his face. 

I explained that when my husband and I moved in together He (my husband) 

had taught me a self-defense tactic.

 The tactic includes stretching the thumb toward the wrist.

 It is something that, if done correctly, can bring a person to their knees. 

I explained to the gentleman that my husband did not think about practice and

That some lessons are used for good and some for bad. 

But all lessons are useful.

New adults: Children who are now adults

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you will know that 

we have become empty nesters in the past few years.  

I have enjoyed being a mom of an adult.  

I keep wanting to describe them as 'adult children', 

but they are not...adult children.  

There are a lot of advantages of becoming an adult:

 independence, 

the opportunity to gain respect of maturity and wisdom,

 the opportunity to fully experience bad decision making and 

consequences with no parental net to cushion

 the fall for bad decisions, the opportunity to 

experience good decision making and 

consequences with many people to stand around cheering 

for good decisions, time is our own with no dictators, 

work could be my choice (or not), sleeping could 

be my choice (or not),  what and 

when to eat (or not)....

so many advantages. 

There is a disadvantage to becoming adult: 

 the mindset of being self-reliant - (PRIDEFUL) -

thinking that I can do it alone.  

As we navigate sharing this world with these 'new' adults 

(ours and others), we experience and hear other's 

experience with these 'new' adults 

wrestling the question "How do we do this?".  Our 

pastor and his wife gave us some good advice: 

they are no different than any other adult you share this world with.  

If we plan to have a relationship with 

these adults, old and new, some key ingredients 

are prayer, consideration and the freedom, 

for ourselves and these new adults, 

to make decisions as they see fit for their family.  

When they exercise good decision-making, 

praise God and cheer with the loudest voice on their side of the fence.  

When they exercise bad decision-making, 

praise God andstand with them, 

without judgement, to allow them the opportunity to 

see it as a bad judgement and take responsibility of correction.  

These 'new adults', that were once my children, are adults 

- PERIOD - 

that I had the privilege of watching 

grow up and step in to their adult roles.  

What they need from me now is not my 

parenting skills...they need me to apply a generous

 amount of prayer and freedom to figure out how to 

throttle the advantages of being an adult.  

One thing that hasn't changed: 

I still want to protect them, correct them, and guide them. 

Another thing that hasn't changed: 

I still pray for them.