Disappointment

 For the past eight years, I have worked at an orchard. I love being at the orchard - even in off-season - there's something comforting there for me. A few years ago, I was at work.  It was historically a day that was OVERWHELMINGLY busy.  This particular day did not end up being busy.  I was in the back room 'staying busy' still anticipating 'busy'.  I found myself sobbing.  My boss (a sweet lady, my age) came into the room I was cleaning, saw me sobbing and was startled by my sobbing.  "Are you okay?" she asked.  My response caught me off guard as much as it did her: "Where are all the people?" I cried. I had grown to love the owners of the orchard.  I had become entrenched in the business and the family portion of the orchard.  I thought, at the time, I was concerned with the loss of income due to the lack of 'people'.  This is the portion of the response that startled me: "I can't handle the disappointment of 'no people'."  

I have thought about this day a lot since then.  I figured out that day that disappointment has been something I have 'carried' for some time.  I was tired of being disappointed.  I am still tired of being disappointed.  

Part of my survival, due to the brokenness of my marriage, was not allowing myself to dream, set goals, or to look forward to the future.  It came with disappointment.  In my mind, if I don't want something, then I don't take the risk of being disappointed.  Sadly, I confused this with hope.  

Hope and hopelessness are not the same. Hopelessness and disappointment are not the same. I had become hopeless.  That my future was not going to hold anything worthy to running into with excitement. 

Hope does not come with disappointment.

Real HOPE is a person.   

Here's the real part... I thought I had dealt with being disappointed.  What I found in my search of dealing with my disappointment is Jesus.  He has shown me that hope does not come with disappointment.  He has shown me that He never fails to 'draw close to the broken-hearted'.  My experience does not say "comes without disapointment" but the Hope I have found comes with "faithful" EVERY TIME. 

I Corinthians 10:13 

"...God is faithful..."

....now?

" ..... now? " 

A question I have asked everyday since Feb 13, 2020. 

What do I do now?  Who am I now?? This is not what I wanted.  What will I do with all this time I have... now?  I don't have a large space to clean.. now. I don't have a yard to keep or a garden..now.  I had grown so accustomed to being busy....rest was/is hard...now.  

I am drowning.  

How do I swim... now?  How do I do this...now??  There was nothing...now...for me to 'dig into' to make any of this feel better.    

My own weak character kicked in.  

I started drinking.  The drinking lead to bad company. Bad company lead to bad decisions. Bad decisions lead to consequences. 

I have said for years to my 'then growing children'... Bad choices = bad consequences, Good choices = good consequences.  

How do I fix all of this... now?  

Now.... WHAT DO I WANT NOW!!???

NOW...I want healthy relationships. 

NOW...I want to have a healthy self-image. 

NOW...I want to recognize how I am feeling better and what helps me accomplish that. 

NOW...I want a better understanding of good boundaries AND how to implement them. 

NOW...I want a cordial relationship with **him** - still divorced, but cordial just the same. 

NOW...I have a direction!!