'Til death do us part with a lot of openness and honesty

We celebrated 18y married on October 14, 2013...

About a month ago Chon and I had the opportunity to attend a United Marriage Encounter. 
Scheduled for October 18-20, I asked Chon if he would like to attend a marriage encounter for our anniversary.  He responded with "sure".  Most couples see weekends like this to reconnect with uninterrupted talk, connecting, etc.  Truth be known...This weekend was a last ditch effort to save our marriage.

The past 11 years we have had 'life' happen.  Chon has traveled extensively at times and short periods of time, along with being laid off for months at a time causing financial strain, and now not having a any kind of schedule with no end in sight....you know life!!  In the meantime, staying connected was beginning to be non-existent.  Having time to be a couple was also becoming non-existent.  Unfortunately,  still being married was the standard of 'doing good in our relationship'.  Having the standard of 'still being married' as a barometer within a relationship is not a gauge that any relationship should use. We both love the Lord...  Praying for each other and our role as a spouse was not lacking, but our willingness to forgive and allow grace was.

We chose to leave our children at home - alone.  This would be the first time they would be left alone overnight --- EVER.  This would be the first time we have had some alone time intentionally focusing on each other--in 12 years.  Our plan was to grab a bite to eat at a sit down restaurant and then check-in at registration by 600p.  The sit down restaurant didn't happen...Yes, Chon was a little disgruntled because he was REALLY looking forward to Chinese--instead we had Hardee's. French fries always make things better. :)  Right?? 

Arriving at registration...our questions about what this weekend would hold were building. All we knew about this 'United Marriage Encounter" was that it focused on marriages. Looking back now, I was given  A LOT of information with details about what the weekend would hold, but I believe now that it was God's way of protecting us.  Had I paid attention to the detailed information I was given, I may have backed out of that commitment. 

We survived the weekend, and still wanted to be married - to each other!! We learned a lot about each other as a couple and as individuals.  I learned about myself that I get very gripped with fear and lack of trust with a result of shutting down to protect myself, but from what??  Chon learned that 'still being married' doesn't mean good marriage.  Neither one of us have ever considered breaking our vows as a result of our 'disconnect', but we also decided, after our encounter weekend, that our vows had deeper meaning than we had been living them.  The marriage vow is not intended to spotlight me for me or Chon for Chon, but rather me for him and he for me.

 So what did we learn from this weekend overall:
1. Why we still chose to be married to each other.
2. That all of our issues were issues we could get thru
3. That our goals for our future together and apart were still the goals that we both wanted.
4.  How important it is to invest in our relationship on a daily basis-not a weekly, monthly, bi-monthly basis.
5.  There's a difference between communication and discussing the events of tomorrow
6.  Communication is our BIGGEST glitch and will be our BEST correction.
7.  Grace is given and received.
8.  That fighting for the best is tough, but settling for 'just okay' is a lonely existence.

Marriages are a perfect picture of the relationship between God and Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ and man, man and woman, and parents and children....  So then when marriages have aligned themselves to how God designed then the picture becomes the picture of Christ and the church, the church's response to the world. 

Chon and I know that the road ahead of us is not going to be an easy road of 'making new, better habits', but will be worth every good fight for the BEST things.  Maybe if more people would see the 'good fight' is about fighting for what God would fight for and what God designed....there would be less broken homes.

Here's a thought: Let's stop fighting about how to split our 'material things' and start fighting for the 'best things in life'.

it's happened...

 

Today in our household was another

"It's happened" moment.

 

We have experienced a lot of first with our first-born, hence, the phrase 'first born' right??

Did I ever think that some of our firsts with him would feel so small and yet be so BIG?? 

Like:

His first night as birthed baby

His first night at home with just his very inexperienced parents

His first day of school

His first time at church camp

His first understanding of who Christ is for himself

His first best friend

His first fight,

(which I might add was to defend a kindergartener)

His first lost tooth

 

Well....you get the picture.

I know that when we first get the news that a new life has been

given that life will change every day a little bit or a lot,

but no one prepared us for the

 'much later down the road BIG changes'.

 

Today, as I have already mentioned, our first born experienced

yet another "It's happened" moment...

He got his license to drive - legally!!

I entered the facility cool.

I sat waiting on him to be called for his test - totally sick to my stomach.

I sat waiting for him to return from his test - now shaking.

To then see that amazing smile light up the place with a sense of

accomplishment and doubt....

I motioned with my face 'how did you do'?

His return face response was 'Not sure'.

He got the word that he passed. 

We left the place with me holding back tears and him sighing a sigh of relief.

HE PASSED!!!

 

To say that I wish I would have worked all the

years my children were small would never happen!!

To say that I wished I had a prestigious job now would

never happen!!

I would have never been privileged to experience so many BIG and small

"It's happened" moments.

BUT

To say that I am SOO very proud of the young

man he has become...

wouldn't even give it justice.

 

Red hat club... or not??

 

How many hats does a person wear in a day??

How many of those hats are worn in perfection??

How do you decide if you are doing a good job wearing that hat??

How many of those hats do you justify to make the hat fit perfectly??

What happens when you find out that the a specific hat does not fit??

How do you respond when someone tells you that that specific hat does not look good on you?

Or that you are wearing it incorrectly??

Or not wearing for the right reasons??

 

As a wife and mom I wear many hats:

** wife and mom - obviously

** encourager

**cheerleader - yes, I am the one on the

sidelines yelling REALLY loud = just ask my kids

** advocate

** defender

** guidance counselor

** teacher

** nurse

** the one to bounce idea off of

** disciplinarian - also known as the 'bad guy' at our house

** "military mom' as known by some

 

Now, let me start off, after that wonderful list,  by saying that

I DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE JOBS PERFECTLY!!!

However, I do take each of those jobs VERY SERIOUSLY!!!

Serious enough that if I ever stop learning what the REAL definition

 of any one of these mean or look like

I will be being laid to rest, and enjoying eternity-God willing.

 

So where does the REAL definition come from??

Vogue magazine (geared for woman of today)?  Nah...don't think so.

I know!!  How about Wikipedia??  Nah...not there either.

When I go looking for what anyone of those hats, and

many more that are not on that particular list looks like...

I consult who God says I am wearing that hat.

Pro 31:25

Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoin in time to come.

 

I have had lots of people tell me along the way that

I don't wear some of those hats correctly, appropriately,

efficiently enough, etc, etc -

You get the picture....

But who decides all of that??

Why do 'they' get to decide all of that??

Again, I am not looking for perfection, but I would like to hear

 at the end of the day:

 "... let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  Heb 12:1

"Well done my good and faithful servant" Mat 25:21

That's the justification for my faults which are many...

 

I have a brother that is 17 months younger than me.

While we were growing up we were pretty close...we were practically

twins due to our age.

I remember numerous people telling us how much

we looked alike. 

Awe...right??

How endearing -- NOT!!

Especially when you get to be about 12 or 13 and wanting desperately to look

and sound like a girl...right??

So, I decided well before my eclectic style of fashion

began that I would NEVER wear a hat

so that I would avoid looking more like my brother - the boy!

Now don't get me wrong...I have a very nice looking brother,

but....  I wanted to be a girl!!

But the hats that I have been given in life aren't necessarily

a fashion no-no, but rather an enhancement to the ensemble.

And they don't always fit - correctly!!

So what's a girl to do?? 

Make it work - be adjustable,

or throw out the hat - and call it quits??

So my personality won't allow anything that has life still

in it to be thrown away...and that includes 'life hats'.

When a hat needs justification to fit the ensemble...

God has been faithful to instruct how to 'bedazzle' it

to fit the plan he had for the said accessory.

(yes, I am completely outside my comfort zone using fashion words-

definitely not my forte)

All things work together for them that love God, and are called according to HIS purpose.

Rom 8:28

 

HOWEVER, when you wear a hat that is not yours or does not fit...

(and I am not talking about physically fitting-not fitting your role)

who are you taking the blessing from ??

I think about all the hats that I wear in a day's time that

I PUT ON MYSELF...

Who am I stealing the blessing of that hat from:
My husband?

My children?
My neighbor?

Well....you get the picture.

 

Some of you have heard of the TV reality show called,

"What Not to Wear"... Right??

I have seen the above mentioned show maybe once or twice...

I turned it off or asked for it to be changed after a few minutes

 of watching  two people deciding that the ''skin" (comfort zone)

 of one person does not fit their 'ideological' version of fashion.

I JUST WANTED TO HURL!!

Now, I am not saying that some, and yes I am including myself in this equation,

don't have a need for fashion police on occasion,

BUT... Can't we gently, without throwing rocks at

each other, do that???

Can't we catch more flies with honey vs vinegar (Ps 15:1)??

 

I am a very passionate person...

*chuckling*

Most of you are gasping in surprise--I know....

I don't offend easily (you all can thank my sisters for that)...

BUT... 

don't stop learning how to be someone who wears

every hat given to them to be presented before our KING.

Pro 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;

fools despise wisdom and instruction.

 

Let grandma be grandma her way.

Let your mom be elderly her way.

Let your sister be a wife/mom her way.

Let your daughter be a woman of God her way.

Let your girlfriend be a friend her way.

 

 Last night as I was processing my day,

here's what I went to bed processing...

 I have been a part of a conversation with folks who

take the job of wife/mom

as 'just part of their lives' instead of

the GREATEST role we could be given!!! 

I also thought about a conversation that I had with a friend

that felt it necessary to decide whether another

was justified in their response to a life altering day...

 

Please be careful deciding if someone is wearing the

hat their given with dignity, pride, ignorance, or naiveté....