I was too embarassed....

In February of 2020, I chose to separate from my husband.  

The atmosphere of our home had become tumultuous.  Please do not read more into that statement than is there.  Everyone's version of tumultuous is different. I just knew that I couldn't live in the upheaval any longer.   

After he disregarded stated boundaries about visiting, I made the decision to leave/move out of our marital home.   

There were real hurdles to get across... 

I was a housewife that was keeping our granddaughter. 

I didn't have an a job that would provide on my own. 

I had never lived on my own. 

Our daughter, who had moved home to get on her feet, was living with us. I didn't know, until talking with her, if she would want to stay with him or go with me.  Please also do not hear me say I expected her to go with me.  Although, she did help me get our apartment. 

And the enertia of moving out began... 

The decision to move out was hard.  I had committed in my heart and mind that I was going to stay married until "death do us part".  There was no pre-meditation to this decision whatsoever - evidenced by the lack of preparation on so many levels. 

Between my daughter and my parents and some faithful friends at church, we got moved. The apartment was small, dirty, and bismal.  I do not want to sound ungrateful.  I was struggling.... So small, dirty, and dismal was hard to process.  Plus, I really didn't want to be separating, but knew that the most loving thing I could do was to make a separation.  I was hopeful that he would choose to work on our relationship.  

As the last piece of furniture and the last box was unloaded, all of our help began to disperse to their own homes.  Our daughter and I were left with boxes everywhere, beds made, towels ready for a shower to clean up from the day, and a crockpot of warm food left from lunch (brought by a friend).  I cleaned up the food.  Took a shower.  Sat on the couch.  I looked around exhausted.  Mentally and physically.

 My future was changing - quickly.   

I decided I was going to "make this work". I have a tendency to 'grunt' thru things instead of facing them.  What does this mean?  For me, it meant keeping a fascade of things being 'okay'.  I rarely spoke about things that frightened me, concerned me - even before separating.  This is not a good habit - the grunting thru or the pride of not being honest about all the embarrasing parts I felt like I had to protect from others and their judgements.  I know and see that now... 

My 'normal' routine began.  Only this time in a new place. I started looking for another job.  My son and DIL helped me.  "Things seemed to be looking up".  The Lord was providing. 

I accepted a position locally that would 'for the most part provide what I needed'.  

 My future was changing - quickly. 

My daughter and I were 'picking up the pieces'.  She became somewhat quiet and spent a lot of time in her room.    I tried to keep things "normal" - at least in my version.  

I had a conversation with (my now ex-) husband and, sadly, it was not a conversation that communicated a desire to really reconcile, but, rather, to return to how things were. I couldn't.   Unfortunately, that was not the case.  The lease we signed, my daughter and I, was for a year.  In my thinking, a year was plenty of time to either get help or move forward.  I want to make it VERY clear that I would have been willing to consider reconciling had he communicated a desire to reconcile vs 'return to how things were'.

I completed my last week of keeping my granddaughter thru tears.  Knowing I would miss these days and tried to enjoy them for as long as I could. 

 My future was changing - quickly.

Then COVID-19.  The position I accepted was scheduled to begin on March 16, 2020.  I reported to work, and within two hours the 'stay at home order' was issued.  I was sent home stating that they were not sure if or when I woud be brought back.  WHAT?!  I have no job?  I began to panic.  I got to my car, took a breath, and just sobbed.  I got myself together and began home.  I got about two blocks, pulled over, got myself together and called a friend who had allowed me, in the past, to help care for her child.  I asked if I could help with him until I could get things figured out.  She emphatically answered, "Yes."  I took another breath.  I didn't know if this alone would be enough financially, but was trusting that God would provide.  I started the next day!

At this point, my husband did not know where my daughter and I had moved.  Because of the nature of our relationship, I did not feel safe to disclose this information. 

On my way home, I ran into my ex-husband that ended at the local PD.  I was "okay" - just frightened. Fear had set in. He had an idea of where I was 'living' because of this run in.  Now what?? How do I feel safe... I was hopeful that a new adress would provide a feeling of safe, to give me a chance to decide how to move forward - with him or not with him?, would afford me a chance to recover for a minute. 

Fear had set in. 

From that point on, every time I left the house - I would see him.  I began taking the back roads to work so avoid a possible run in.  Our apartment did not have a washer/dryer facility, so I would have to go to the laundry mat to do laundry.  I was worried about sitting there and my vehicle being visibe for two hours.  I began parking in the back of the building to provide 'some invisibility'.  Getting groceries was a little more difficult.  I couldn't park 'unseen'.  The entire parking lot was visible.  

I was "okay" for about three weeks.   

With all the changes, the stay at home order, the fear - I was not handling my life.  Now remember, I tend to 'grunt thru' the hard parts.  I couldn't grunt thru this.  There was no grunt to get thru this.  

All the questions began:

How am I going to save for my future?

Would I have to live in this apartment forever?

Am I going to be okay?

Why didn't he choose to reconcile?

What if this 'interim' job ends? or doesn't provide enough?

What will I do for health/life insurance?

Am I going to be okay? 

Why didn't he pick to reconcile - for him? for me? for our children? for our grandchildren?

I had been 'his wife' for 25 years!!!  The changes, the identity crisis, COVID-19 - the fear had set in. Yep, the perfect storm for someone who tends to grunt thru things.  

My pride....my pride kept me from grieving.  I was too embarassed to be seen as weak and needing to grieve.   It was my decision to leave - why did I need to grieve??  I had adopted the idea that weakness was wrong, and needing to grieve, in my opinion, was a weakness.  So instead of communicating what I needed: space to grieve, time to be afraid, a certain type of care....I became destructive.  I took my eyes off of how God had and was keeping me... I saw the fear, the unknown, my unwillingness to be honest.  Knowing that by taking the step to separate some parts were not protected any longer. 

(more on upcoming blog entry - **warning: trigger possibility**)