Empty Nest: The Great Exodus

 My husband and I became empty nesters a little over a year ago.  Our eldest got married to a sweet girl and our youngest started college. 

I have been a part of a youth group (of some sort) since my children were small.  I am still involved in the youth group at the church we regularly attend. When our eldest was about 15 years old, we began hearing the overwhelming statistics of how young adults between the ages of 18-25 years old cease from meeting together with God's people on a regular basis.  The statistics were astounding.  I, naively and with much pride, thought "oh, our children won't be part of that statistic".  Raising them in a church has been a part of our family's fabric...

How naive could I have been? 

How much pride could one statement contain?

Why did I think that 'my parenting' would prevent them becoming part of the statistics?

But this entry is not about the exodus of young people...

This entry is about the exodus of the 'old' people.  Particularly, this old person. The pride of thinking we wouldn't be part of that statistic smacked me in the face - HARD. The pride of thinking that  'it wouldn't affect my household'. The pride of thinking I knew 'so much'....not realizing that all of these statements were about me.  The statistic doesn't include empty nesters like my hubs and me, but they should. 

When our children were living at home, I had a daily reminder of why I was doing what I was doing--They were walking around, eating, chatting, coming and going.  I felt a deep sense of responsibility to 'do what is right' when they were constantly watching.  

And trust me, when they get to the teenage years they NEVER SLEEP, they are constantly watching. Haha!  

So what changed when they left?  They were not here.  There was so much freedom.  There was so little accountability.  I was left to 'my own devices'.  Now, please don't hear me say that I indulged.  Do hear me say 'I was struggling' to still do what is right. 

I had sat through homeschool conventions, parenting seminars, podcasts, etc on how to 'prepare' my young adult not be a part of that 'exodus' of young people...what I wasn't expecting was how I would have to face the same questions/challenges of how to handle 'being left to my own devices'.  I had to face the reality of whose relationship was my spiritual walk with and who was it for?  

As a fairly new empty nest mom, may I offer some unsolicited advice?

Your job as wife and mom is an important job. 

But your walk with the Savior is more.  

It has to be a pursuit, for yourself, of the God who created you for Himself. 

At the onset of becoming an empty nester-not understanding how or why I would need this scripture, the Lord was good to remind me of his Word: 

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it."
1 Cor 10:13 

Why we need our .... mother-in-law

My son and his new bride of one year just celebrated their first year of marriage. It has been fun to be on the sidelines.  They love and fight just as ferociously as they love and fight.  As their wedding neared, I wondered what my role would look like: mother-in-law.  I had never done this mother-in-law thing before.  Well, the Lord was good to give me a daughter-in-law that has made being a mother-in-law easy.  

Some families have this family thing figured out...  Getting married, having children...it took a toll on my parents/siblings.  You see I come from a 'larger' family: mom and dad, 4 girls and 1 boy.  We were all pretty close in age.  I grew up on a farm, raised animals and a garden.  Like most larger families--lots of personalities and opinions and not enough referees. Ha!  Don't get me wrong...we tried.  

My hubs shared with me a few weeks ago that it has really grieved him that he missed out on a relationship with my parents and family.  It stunned me to hear this.  My response back was, "but we had a great relationship with your parents."  He agreed.  His parents taught us so many things, but the most important thing they taught us is that we have to figure things out on our own.  They were always available to bounce ideas off of.  They always offered a great cup of coffee with that listening ear.  Don't tell, but she was what started my love (addiction) for coffee.  She made it the best.  Luckily, without all that 'girly' stuff in it either. With all the things they did teach us over coffeee and through their quiet availability, the one thing they couldn't teach him (my hubs) was how to be an in-law...they were his parents.  He was learning, by their example, how to be a parent to adult children or a grandparent to their son's children, but they could not teach him how to be an in-law.  Fortunately, I had a great example of how to be a mother-in-law.  My MIL never pried, never condemned my skills as a wife, mother or homemaker.  I am sure she saw things that concerned her, but, again, that concept of 'letting us figure things out on our own' rang clear.  I have watched her bridge the gap between a 16yo and a 55yo.  I have watched her stay up late at night to spend time with her family when she was dead tired.  I have watched her tirelessly love on the littles in our family and the bigs in our family.  I have watched her take my barking orders when we cleaned out her upstairs with such grace.  I have watched her care for my FIL through various health concerns.  I have watched her care for her father as he navigated the aging process.  I have watched her, with so much restraint and responsibility, deal with her parents' estate after their passing. 

By not having a realationship with my parents (and to some degree my siblings), my hubs is left to figure out how to ***-in-law on his own.  Now I don't know about you, but...even a bad example can be helpful.  But the example has to be present and available to mess up for the bad example to be seen.  I will admit 'the not being present' part has been part of what we chose - indirectly or directly. Don't hear me say it was an easy choice.  WE would have much rather had a relationship with my parents for us and for our children.  We still need their influence.  Lord willing, someday.  

A few years ago, it really started to make sense why God designed the family the way he did....intentional.  Each member of a family has their role to fill, but it is not just for a warm body to make the circle complete.  Each member of a family is needed...right, wrong, or indifferent.  Now, we do not get to spend as much time with our extended families as we would like to or have in the past, but that does not discount how much I need my mother-in-law to help me be a better version of who I am....because there are some parts of life that only she can teach me....like how to be a mother-in-law.