When I got married in 1995, I was nervous and excited. Nervous - why? My parents had a difficult relationship. I was worried I would continue in the model I had seen. Excited - why? This is what small town girls do - get married.
We lived together for two years so...
October came and went. We were married.
I was naive enough to think that getting married would 'correct' any disconnects that had been experienced in living together. Boy, was I wrong!!! Living together made things worse in an already 'not great situation'.
I had been dating or living with this person for five years once we got married. So plenty of time to see or know what I was getting into. Unfortunately, I kept pushing away things that were 'not okay'. For instance, communicating a boundary was not done well nor was it was honored; he pressured me with a hypersexual push that I did not understand (I grew up in the time where women were seen as objects - not people); the skill of communication was grossly underdeveloped.
But, in my ignorance and pride, I was going to be able to correct this in us or me or him - right? We would be different. I mean come on - "We were not going to be like that!".
January 1996: I learned we were expecting. Again nervous and excited. I was nervous because I felt totally inadequate, not ready. Excited - this is what small town girls do - get married and have babies. I quickly learned excitement was not on the agenda. I began having some light complications with my pregnancy. Due to the complications, I was put on some restrictions by the doctor. Apparently, the restricitons were only for me to recognize - not necessarily abide by. When I asked for help, I was given the response, "woman have picked cotton and given birth in the fields for years - you will be okay". I was hurt. I was already fearful about being a mom and now to feel like I could lose the baby was even more scary. i know nnow I should have addressed it - I didn't at the time. Unfortunately, I learned thru this exchange and thru my pregnancy that his care for me was shallow. Finally, the day came to deliver the baby. When I came home with our newborn, I was SCARED outside my mind. I needed some re-assurance. Instead, and not from my husband, I was disciplined. The judgement was hard. I chose to quit my job to stay home. Remind you - I was terribly, grossly ill-equipped. I knew I wanted to do right by my child, but I didn't really know what that meant.
The days and months went by - some slower than others. I started noticing a growing distance between my husband and I. He was working second shift and the baby was easily on 'early day shift' to say the least. I chose to stay up until he got home so that we could have some time together. He would sleep unitl he had to get up for work. We started playing chess as something we could do together. It was fun. But it did not address the continued growing distance. The conversation was empty, light. I know now I needed more stimulation than that. I was beginning to feel lonely. Lots of days without stimulating conversation is hard. Loneliness is hard.
The baby was fussy after the sun went down. I did not know what do with the fussiness. I would leave the room and he would scream bloody murder. There was no google/internet to see what I could do, and I did not feel comfortable (out of pride) asking for help. I didn't want to be seen as inacapable of consoling my baby. As the baby continued to grow more and more fussy each day, I became more and more insecure. In the meantime, comments like "you needed a baby like you need a bullet in the head" had been said to me by someone who didn't intend to hurt my feelings, but it did.
I didn't get out much because the car also made the baby cry. I was already so frazzled by the endless crying while at home that the idea of leaving the house so that the entire community could witness my inadequacies was not happening. I felt trapped in my life.
We had been hanging out with a group for some time now. I was the first one to 'expect a child' in our group. Their life went on without us. So, calling a friend to hang out did not look the same. Until one day, one of my friends called and asked if I would be interested in going to a job fair with her. She didn't want to go alone, BUT she was not really looing for a job either ( I know that now). I thought well that seems like a 'normal' adult thing, that would also be a chance to put on clothes and leave the house that I coud do without feeling like I do not fit in anymore. Sure, I will go. My friend came home iwth ideas. i came home with a job. I should have been brave and courageous enough to not keep the job. I was a chicken!!! So i arranged a sitter, began my job and it began.
The already growing distance became worse. My hours were 700a-300p. His were 130p-1030p. I would be responsible for all the care given to the baby, the home and now a job. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? Still too afraid to admit my weakness or failure - I pushed thru. Pushing thru....what a horrible lie!!! We never really push thru....something is lost in the process. ALWAYS!!! In my case - my marriage and, subsequently, a family.
The weight of parenting, working, and a marriage that was barely keeping above water was beginning to get to me. We began asking my parents to keep the baby one weekend a month. They gladly obliged. I did this to 'blow off some steam'. We would go out - it was meant to make us feel 'normal' again. Normal is a fascade like 'pushing thru' - in case you didn't know. Unfortunately, we didnt spent this time working on our growing distance. We spent this time serving our own selfish desires.
It didn't take long for the choice I had made to go to work to start influencing the compromises. I knew I watned to be the one who raised my child. He was ALREADY with a sitter. I knew I wanted my marriage to work. The grwing distance taht we both ignored hoping it would go away was STILL growing! I didn't know how to stop the train of compromises. Sadly, the compromises didn't stop there. It only takes one decision to change a direction very quickly. I made a decision that would change the course of my future in a detrimental way. I wish I could say that my bad decision making has gotten better. Currently, working on that.
I realized the detriment. I realized the gamble. And the next phase of 'grunting thru' began....work to gain favor. I realized thru this series of bad decision-making who I was before the cross. A sinner who needed saved from my self and the wrath of God.
In this interim time, I had spent a lot of time reading books on how to improve my marriage. I tried most of their suggestions. lol...much to my detriment I can see now. One thing we did that required his involvement, I thought, left us in a better place of correcting our relationship issues.
Fast forward to 2016. Our daughter left for college. Our son moved out to get married. I decided to confess my bad decison, from 1996, to my husband and asked for him to forgive me. He was quiet. But said that he forgave me. According to him, he saw the relief of confessing and came to me with some things he had been withholding as well. I thought 'well, maybe this is what we needed to do from the beginning - to be transparent and vulnerabe with each other?'. I was excited that we had both chosen this.
We had already planned a trip to visit SO-IL for a long weekend, anniversary trip. We went. We enjoyed each other's company, hiked, rested, and returned home. What I didn't know was that he was struggling with the information I had confessed to, and was not able to communicate it nor be honest with me about it. Maybe he felt pressure to respond with 'I forgive you' when he did not really mean it. Forgiveness is a tricky thing...it's a moment by moment choice.
The tornado began. He wouldn't have discussions with me about my confession or his, but, rather, he wanted me to re-assure all of his insecurities. I did. I answered question after question that he had to 'get it all figured out'. It didn't re-assure him. It made things worse. I did answer all of his questions honestly. If I thought it was going to be tough to hear, I would always ask "do you want raw honesty or do you want me to protect your feelings?". He always asked for honesty. I obliged. Seven months went by and I finally said 'enough is enough. I have answered all the same questions with the same answers for seven months. Either we are willing to move on to get thru this or I will not be willing to discuss is it anymore.' He wasn't wiing to talk about anything else but his need for re-assurance.
June 2017. The accusations began. He began slinging horrible accusation at me. Accusation that included people that I cared about. I was hurt. I tried to dismiss my feelings. But couldn't - the accusations were never ending. I took a day and left. I didn't disclose where I was at. Done with defending my self from the accusations. After a day away, he called me and apologized for being so mean and asked if we could have supper together. I agreed. Thinking the apology was genuine. i returned home.
September 2017. The paranoia had peaked. My fear became very real. I wasn't sleeping and neither was he. I moved out of our bedroom into another room in the house.
December 2017. I moved back into our bedroom. Caylor came home from college for Christmas break. The atmosphere was tense.
May 2018. We separated for 30 days. He promised things would change. I took his promise for change as realistic. I knew they were not going to be fufilled, but I was hopeful. He had also learned how to mask the manic experiences he was having - from me at least.
We began seeing a counseling team - for individual help and couple's help.
August 2018. Our counselor would not see us any longer because I refused to pretend that he was doing his own work, when in truth, he was not. We were told to return to our church for help. Luckily, I belong to a great church. They were willing to help us. He was still unwilling to participate or cooperate. That was hard to accept. I began the work my pastor/elder board asked of me, which included a daily devotional and meeting with the pastor's wife each Sunday morning - with the understanding that we were to work thru the devotional and discuss it at the meeting. I agreed.
March 2019. Our granddaughter was born. I had been waiting for this season of my life for 20 years and for her for eight months. She was perfect!
July 2019. We took a week and went away. It was during this trip that I received some new information that would change my direction again. Only this time, it was not something I decided/sought out. The Lord knew it was time. With this new information, I signed up for a class to help me 'sift thru the information'. The first three weeks were brutal. Lots of real moments mixed with the realization of the content. My cheeks were red from anger and confusion and a feeling of beign so stupid.
October 2019. We purchased a camper to move to our son's house so that I could continue keeping our granddaughter and have more time to spend together. I really believed he was 'better' and that the promises he made when i moved back in May were his goal. We had, in my assessment, agreed on a goal to be debt-free to allow us to build a new home on our property and plan for a future together, etc. I completed my class, and began the next phase.
With the tools I was learning from this class, I was begininng to be hopeful that we were going to be okay. I was getting better. I was excited that we were finally working toward the same goal. All the while still denying the real problem... he was not getting better.
January 2020. I told him that I had registered for a concealed carry class (something i have been wanting to do for a long time), along with the dates, times, and location. I asked him to write the details down. He said he had. When the class dates came, he expected me to be available and home because he was available and home. I explained that I would not be home. He did not write down the class details as he had said. He became angry. I got up and left for the class. He called me four times during the class. He called in sick to work. This did not fit in to the debt-free plan. I was angry. I thought that we had agreed on the direction WE WANTED TO GO. I realized that he was not better. he chose not to return to work for the next 18 days. No work = no pay. What were we going to do?? The fighting would ebb and flow during that 18 day span. He finally returned to work.
February 2020. I don't remember what sparked another argument except that he again to chose to call in sick from work (without discussing it with me ) and come to my son's house ( I was there watching the baby). I asked him not to come over because I was too angry about another lost day's pay. He disregarded my request. He said he was coming over to work things out. He came over and sat on their couch in silence. After an hour, I asked if sitting in silence was going to be how we worked on things. I didn't feel like entertaining him. I didn't feel like incoporating him into my day. The baby was asleep when he arrived. When i asked him about working on things, he came over and got very close to me. I asked him not to touch me because I was angry. He became offended by that and proceded to taunt touch me. I asked him to please not touch me and he continued. I finally stood up. Gave him a little nudge to give me space to get up and change my loctaion in the room. He lost his balance and fell back. The baby was beginning to stir at this point. By the time I changed the baby and returned to the living room, he called our pastor - Asking him to discipline me. Our pastor did not comply and suggested that we get different help. This enraged him more. He began to be very agitated, got into my face and saying horrible things to me. I said to him, while continuing to change the position in the room, "I think it is better that you go home. I don't want you here." 40-50 times. Finally, I had asked enough and I had had my fill. I stopped the berating. He left. I communicated the next morning that I was moving toward separation. He communicated understanding. I also asked him to contact me before coming by and he did not honor my boundary. I decided then and there I was moving out. I couldn't handle the fear of knowing he woudln't honor my boundaries.
March 2020. I was able to find an apartment. Our daughter moved with me. (more details on the following blog entry).
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