Care

I have the privilege of working with a family as a respite caregiver.  

When the mom approached me and asked if I would be willing to help, 

my out loud and first response was "Sure".  

I like to help people.  

(Sometimes too much if I am honest.)

So I committed. 

I really didn't know the mom well.

But....

I had grown to really love her parents, and   

she and I "knew" each other from church.

What I did know was that she was 

VERY private about herself and her private life. 

I didn't understand. 

The part that I didn't understand was this driving 

need to protect her child with special needs. 

I don't have a child with special needs - 

how could I ever understand. 

Now, if we all admit, as a parent, we can all 

become somewhat irrational when it comes

to protecting our children. 

This was not like that. 

I have since grown to love "Little Bobby", 

his momma, and grown 

an ever deeper respect

for his grandparents.  They had just

buried his parents a few years before this...

and they went right into caring for "Little Bobby". 
"Little Bobby" does require around the clock attention. 

Not 100% attention, but 'attention'.

Enter my role...

I was nervous.  He was more care for one person than I had ever

encountered. There was a lot to learn about him and his care. 

They left me with him. 

Entrusting me with someone that only family 

had cared for....they trusted me!!

I began that commitment four years ago. 

"Little Bobby" has taught me so much. 

He has taught me what determination, perspective, and contentment really looks like 

You see.... "Little Bobby"...

He is not verbal - as we understand verbal, but he does communicate. 

He is not mobile - as we understand mobile, but he gets to where he wants to go. 

He is smart, intriguing, aware of others...

He gets hurt, angry, sad, disappointed (I think this only happens when he sees me as his caregiver). 

Care is a funny thing. 

Defined care means that suffering of mind, apprehension, charge or supervision, 

painstaking or watchful attention, to feel interest or concern, to give care. 

As I continue to spend time with "Little Bobby" and his family...

the feeling of concern has grown. 

I had to relinquish parts of my commitment to a family commitment of my

own and knowing he was taken care of by someone else was tough. 

I finally understood that protection that his momma felt. 

The 'new' caregiver was/is my daughter.  

You would think that i would have confidence in her ability to care for him. 

You see, it is not her lack of capability it is because I have grown to care 

for his needs like he is my child. 

I finally understood the necessity of respite caregivers.  

Giving care is hard. 

Fortunately, I have not been in a position to request for 

respite care giving for my own care or a family member's care. 

I am grateful.

But I also will never ask someone that is a position of constant

care giving to 'do more'. 

Everyone of us are involved in a relationship of some sort. 

A spouse. 

A parent. 

A child.

A sibling. 

A neighbor. 

I am firm believer I should 

care for you, in my relationship, as something 

of value and fragility. 

Asking me to give more in a common everyday relationship

is not asking too much. 

Old Lesssons

As the pastor was about to dismiss us to enjoy 

the rest of the day celebrating Christ's Resurrection,

 my husband gave me his hand to hold.  

He was told when our oldest was about 

to be born to "only offer two fingers for a hand during a contraction". 

The theory, according to the nurse, was it 

would cause less pain for my husband.  

Now, I am not proud to say that my husband and I lived together 

before getting married. 

So, upon moving in, my then fiancé decided that 

I needed some skills of self-defense.

He WAS NOT thinking about one thing: 

I would need someone to practice on. 

So, as per tradition each Sunday, our congregation, 

when dismissed, spends 

the following hour visiting 

- Yes, I am serious. -  

The children play and the adults visit. 

The gentleman that sat in front of my husband and I turned around and  

extended his hand to shake my husband's hand. 

My husband gave an amusing response: 

A grimacing face and a soft, buckling knee. 

I giggled.

My husband, as he grabbed my hand to hold, I took three fingers and squeezed. 

I squeezed hard causing his grimace and soft knee.

The gentleman responded with a question on his face. 

I explained that when my husband and I moved in together He (my husband) 

had taught me a self-defense tactic.

 The tactic includes stretching the thumb toward the wrist.

 It is something that, if done correctly, can bring a person to their knees. 

I explained to the gentleman that my husband did not think about practice and

That some lessons are used for good and some for bad. 

But all lessons are useful.

New adults: Children who are now adults

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you will know that 

we have become empty nesters in the past few years.  

I have enjoyed being a mom of an adult.  

I keep wanting to describe them as 'adult children', 

but they are not...adult children.  

There are a lot of advantages of becoming an adult:

 independence, 

the opportunity to gain respect of maturity and wisdom,

 the opportunity to fully experience bad decision making and 

consequences with no parental net to cushion

 the fall for bad decisions, the opportunity to 

experience good decision making and 

consequences with many people to stand around cheering 

for good decisions, time is our own with no dictators, 

work could be my choice (or not), sleeping could 

be my choice (or not),  what and 

when to eat (or not)....

so many advantages. 

There is a disadvantage to becoming adult: 

 the mindset of being self-reliant - (PRIDEFUL) -

thinking that I can do it alone.  

As we navigate sharing this world with these 'new' adults 

(ours and others), we experience and hear other's 

experience with these 'new' adults 

wrestling the question "How do we do this?".  Our 

pastor and his wife gave us some good advice: 

they are no different than any other adult you share this world with.  

If we plan to have a relationship with 

these adults, old and new, some key ingredients 

are prayer, consideration and the freedom, 

for ourselves and these new adults, 

to make decisions as they see fit for their family.  

When they exercise good decision-making, 

praise God and cheer with the loudest voice on their side of the fence.  

When they exercise bad decision-making, 

praise God andstand with them, 

without judgement, to allow them the opportunity to 

see it as a bad judgement and take responsibility of correction.  

These 'new adults', that were once my children, are adults 

- PERIOD - 

that I had the privilege of watching 

grow up and step in to their adult roles.  

What they need from me now is not my 

parenting skills...they need me to apply a generous

 amount of prayer and freedom to figure out how to 

throttle the advantages of being an adult.  

One thing that hasn't changed: 

I still want to protect them, correct them, and guide them. 

Another thing that hasn't changed: 

I still pray for them. 

Empty Nest: The Great Exodus

 My husband and I became empty nesters a little over a year ago.  Our eldest got married to a sweet girl and our youngest started college. 

I have been a part of a youth group (of some sort) since my children were small.  I am still involved in the youth group at the church we regularly attend. When our eldest was about 15 years old, we began hearing the overwhelming statistics of how young adults between the ages of 18-25 years old cease from meeting together with God's people on a regular basis.  The statistics were astounding.  I, naively and with much pride, thought "oh, our children won't be part of that statistic".  Raising them in a church has been a part of our family's fabric...

How naive could I have been? 

How much pride could one statement contain?

Why did I think that 'my parenting' would prevent them becoming part of the statistics?

But this entry is not about the exodus of young people...

This entry is about the exodus of the 'old' people.  Particularly, this old person. The pride of thinking we wouldn't be part of that statistic smacked me in the face - HARD. The pride of thinking that  'it wouldn't affect my household'. The pride of thinking I knew 'so much'....not realizing that all of these statements were about me.  The statistic doesn't include empty nesters like my hubs and me, but they should. 

When our children were living at home, I had a daily reminder of why I was doing what I was doing--They were walking around, eating, chatting, coming and going.  I felt a deep sense of responsibility to 'do what is right' when they were constantly watching.  

And trust me, when they get to the teenage years they NEVER SLEEP, they are constantly watching. Haha!  

So what changed when they left?  They were not here.  There was so much freedom.  There was so little accountability.  I was left to 'my own devices'.  Now, please don't hear me say that I indulged.  Do hear me say 'I was struggling' to still do what is right. 

I had sat through homeschool conventions, parenting seminars, podcasts, etc on how to 'prepare' my young adult not be a part of that 'exodus' of young people...what I wasn't expecting was how I would have to face the same questions/challenges of how to handle 'being left to my own devices'.  I had to face the reality of whose relationship was my spiritual walk with and who was it for?  

As a fairly new empty nest mom, may I offer some unsolicited advice?

Your job as wife and mom is an important job. 

But your walk with the Savior is more.  

It has to be a pursuit, for yourself, of the God who created you for Himself. 

At the onset of becoming an empty nester-not understanding how or why I would need this scripture, the Lord was good to remind me of his Word: 

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it."
1 Cor 10:13 

Why we need our .... mother-in-law

My son and his new bride of one year just celebrated their first year of marriage. It has been fun to be on the sidelines.  They love and fight just as ferociously as they love and fight.  As their wedding neared, I wondered what my role would look like: mother-in-law.  I had never done this mother-in-law thing before.  Well, the Lord was good to give me a daughter-in-law that has made being a mother-in-law easy.  

Some families have this family thing figured out...  Getting married, having children...it took a toll on my parents/siblings.  You see I come from a 'larger' family: mom and dad, 4 girls and 1 boy.  We were all pretty close in age.  I grew up on a farm, raised animals and a garden.  Like most larger families--lots of personalities and opinions and not enough referees. Ha!  Don't get me wrong...we tried.  

My hubs shared with me a few weeks ago that it has really grieved him that he missed out on a relationship with my parents and family.  It stunned me to hear this.  My response back was, "but we had a great relationship with your parents."  He agreed.  His parents taught us so many things, but the most important thing they taught us is that we have to figure things out on our own.  They were always available to bounce ideas off of.  They always offered a great cup of coffee with that listening ear.  Don't tell, but she was what started my love (addiction) for coffee.  She made it the best.  Luckily, without all that 'girly' stuff in it either. With all the things they did teach us over coffeee and through their quiet availability, the one thing they couldn't teach him (my hubs) was how to be an in-law...they were his parents.  He was learning, by their example, how to be a parent to adult children or a grandparent to their son's children, but they could not teach him how to be an in-law.  Fortunately, I had a great example of how to be a mother-in-law.  My MIL never pried, never condemned my skills as a wife, mother or homemaker.  I am sure she saw things that concerned her, but, again, that concept of 'letting us figure things out on our own' rang clear.  I have watched her bridge the gap between a 16yo and a 55yo.  I have watched her stay up late at night to spend time with her family when she was dead tired.  I have watched her tirelessly love on the littles in our family and the bigs in our family.  I have watched her take my barking orders when we cleaned out her upstairs with such grace.  I have watched her care for my FIL through various health concerns.  I have watched her care for her father as he navigated the aging process.  I have watched her, with so much restraint and responsibility, deal with her parents' estate after their passing. 

By not having a realationship with my parents (and to some degree my siblings), my hubs is left to figure out how to ***-in-law on his own.  Now I don't know about you, but...even a bad example can be helpful.  But the example has to be present and available to mess up for the bad example to be seen.  I will admit 'the not being present' part has been part of what we chose - indirectly or directly. Don't hear me say it was an easy choice.  WE would have much rather had a relationship with my parents for us and for our children.  We still need their influence.  Lord willing, someday.  

A few years ago, it really started to make sense why God designed the family the way he did....intentional.  Each member of a family has their role to fill, but it is not just for a warm body to make the circle complete.  Each member of a family is needed...right, wrong, or indifferent.  Now, we do not get to spend as much time with our extended families as we would like to or have in the past, but that does not discount how much I need my mother-in-law to help me be a better version of who I am....because there are some parts of life that only she can teach me....like how to be a mother-in-law.  

Sharing in our brokenness....

"Hi. How are you?"  

This is a common greeting. 

Why are we afraid to ask this and give the real answer?

Why, when we are asked, do we answer "fine" 90% of the time?

Is pride what keeps us from sharing our brokenness?  

Not being willing to say that I am not handling this stress or that stress is 

not only damaging, but is stealing. 

Part of the job of the church, as a whole, is to 

'bear one another burdens' 

(Gal 6:2)...

That should include our willingness to share when we are broken or hurting. 

There is nothing 'unspiritual' in being tested by the Lord with brokenness or hurt. 

James 1:1-5 reminds us to count it all joy. 

So, then, why are we afraid to answer the above question with:
"Honestly, my heart is broken due to a wayward child."

"Not okay.  My hubs and I just had a fight."

"Frightened, we just lost our only income."

"Angry.  I just lost my child."

"Lonely.  My wife left me."

"Scared.  My mom just found out she has a terminal illness."

"Unprotected.  My parents just split up."

"Misunderstood.  My siblings read my motives incorrectly and I didn't communicate them well."

As a member of the church, I am asking....

When I ask you to answer 'how you are doing?' to be honest with me. 

But the flip side is to know that my hubs and I 

decided a few years that when someone asks us how 

we are doing that we are going to respond with

 "Do you really want to know or are you just being polite?"

We appreciate honesty and those who are willing to be real with us. 

By the way, if you see us fighting in the church parking lot or foyer 

feel free to stand and watch/listen or not, but 

don't pretend you don't know how to pray for us. 

:) 

Love and blessings... 

New college mom

I am a new college mom....
My youngest is leaving for college in 24 days. She will be my first child to attend college. She has spent the last week packing up her room....she does not foresee herself living back at home with us. She will be my first child to move out.

Those that know and love our family ask "is she getting ready?", "got everything you need?"