Empty Nest: The Great Exodus

 My husband and I became empty nesters a little over a year ago.  Our eldest got married to a sweet girl and our youngest started college. 

I have been a part of a youth group (of some sort) since my children were small.  I am still involved in the youth group at the church we regularly attend. When our eldest was about 15 years old, we began hearing the overwhelming statistics of how young adults between the ages of 18-25 years old cease from meeting together with God's people on a regular basis.  The statistics were astounding.  I, naively and with much pride, thought "oh, our children won't be part of that statistic".  Raising them in a church has been a part of our family's fabric...

How naive could I have been? 

How much pride could one statement contain?

Why did I think that 'my parenting' would prevent them becoming part of the statistics?

But this entry is not about the exodus of young people...

This entry is about the exodus of the 'old' people.  Particularly, this old person. The pride of thinking we wouldn't be part of that statistic smacked me in the face - HARD. The pride of thinking that  'it wouldn't affect my household'. The pride of thinking I knew 'so much'....not realizing that all of these statements were about me.  The statistic doesn't include empty nesters like my hubs and me, but they should. 

When our children were living at home, I had a daily reminder of why I was doing what I was doing--They were walking around, eating, chatting, coming and going.  I felt a deep sense of responsibility to 'do what is right' when they were constantly watching.  

And trust me, when they get to the teenage years they NEVER SLEEP, they are constantly watching. Haha!  

So what changed when they left?  They were not here.  There was so much freedom.  There was so little accountability.  I was left to 'my own devices'.  Now, please don't hear me say that I indulged.  Do hear me say 'I was struggling' to still do what is right. 

I had sat through homeschool conventions, parenting seminars, podcasts, etc on how to 'prepare' my young adult not be a part of that 'exodus' of young people...what I wasn't expecting was how I would have to face the same questions/challenges of how to handle 'being left to my own devices'.  I had to face the reality of whose relationship was my spiritual walk with and who was it for?  

As a fairly new empty nest mom, may I offer some unsolicited advice?

Your job as wife and mom is an important job. 

But your walk with the Savior is more.  

It has to be a pursuit, for yourself, of the God who created you for Himself. 

At the onset of becoming an empty nester-not understanding how or why I would need this scripture, the Lord was good to remind me of his Word: 

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it."
1 Cor 10:13 

Why we need our .... mother-in-law

My son and his new bride of one year just celebrated their first year of marriage. It has been fun to be on the sidelines.  They love and fight just as ferociously as they love and fight.  As their wedding neared, I wondered what my role would look like: mother-in-law.  I had never done this mother-in-law thing before.  Well, the Lord was good to give me a daughter-in-law that has made being a mother-in-law easy.  

Some families have this family thing figured out...  Getting married, having children...it took a toll on my parents/siblings.  You see I come from a 'larger' family: mom and dad, 4 girls and 1 boy.  We were all pretty close in age.  I grew up on a farm, raised animals and a garden.  Like most larger families--lots of personalities and opinions and not enough referees. Ha!  Don't get me wrong...we tried.  

My hubs shared with me a few weeks ago that it has really grieved him that he missed out on a relationship with my parents and family.  It stunned me to hear this.  My response back was, "but we had a great relationship with your parents."  He agreed.  His parents taught us so many things, but the most important thing they taught us is that we have to figure things out on our own.  They were always available to bounce ideas off of.  They always offered a great cup of coffee with that listening ear.  Don't tell, but she was what started my love (addiction) for coffee.  She made it the best.  Luckily, without all that 'girly' stuff in it either. With all the things they did teach us over coffeee and through their quiet availability, the one thing they couldn't teach him (my hubs) was how to be an in-law...they were his parents.  He was learning, by their example, how to be a parent to adult children or a grandparent to their son's children, but they could not teach him how to be an in-law.  Fortunately, I had a great example of how to be a mother-in-law.  My MIL never pried, never condemned my skills as a wife, mother or homemaker.  I am sure she saw things that concerned her, but, again, that concept of 'letting us figure things out on our own' rang clear.  I have watched her bridge the gap between a 16yo and a 55yo.  I have watched her stay up late at night to spend time with her family when she was dead tired.  I have watched her tirelessly love on the littles in our family and the bigs in our family.  I have watched her take my barking orders when we cleaned out her upstairs with such grace.  I have watched her care for my FIL through various health concerns.  I have watched her care for her father as he navigated the aging process.  I have watched her, with so much restraint and responsibility, deal with her parents' estate after their passing. 

By not having a realationship with my parents (and to some degree my siblings), my hubs is left to figure out how to ***-in-law on his own.  Now I don't know about you, but...even a bad example can be helpful.  But the example has to be present and available to mess up for the bad example to be seen.  I will admit 'the not being present' part has been part of what we chose - indirectly or directly. Don't hear me say it was an easy choice.  WE would have much rather had a relationship with my parents for us and for our children.  We still need their influence.  Lord willing, someday.  

A few years ago, it really started to make sense why God designed the family the way he did....intentional.  Each member of a family has their role to fill, but it is not just for a warm body to make the circle complete.  Each member of a family is needed...right, wrong, or indifferent.  Now, we do not get to spend as much time with our extended families as we would like to or have in the past, but that does not discount how much I need my mother-in-law to help me be a better version of who I am....because there are some parts of life that only she can teach me....like how to be a mother-in-law.  

Sharing in our brokenness....

"Hi. How are you?"  

This is a common greeting. 

Why are we afraid to ask this and give the real answer?

Why, when we are asked, do we answer "fine" 90% of the time?

Is pride what keeps us from sharing our brokenness?  

Not being willing to say that I am not handling this stress or that stress is 

not only damaging, but is stealing. 

Part of the job of the church, as a whole, is to 

'bear one another burdens' 

(Gal 6:2)...

That should include our willingness to share when we are broken or hurting. 

There is nothing 'unspiritual' in being tested by the Lord with brokenness or hurt. 

James 1:1-5 reminds us to count it all joy. 

So, then, why are we afraid to answer the above question with:
"Honestly, my heart is broken due to a wayward child."

"Not okay.  My hubs and I just had a fight."

"Frightened, we just lost our only income."

"Angry.  I just lost my child."

"Lonely.  My wife left me."

"Scared.  My mom just found out she has a terminal illness."

"Unprotected.  My parents just split up."

"Misunderstood.  My siblings read my motives incorrectly and I didn't communicate them well."

As a member of the church, I am asking....

When I ask you to answer 'how you are doing?' to be honest with me. 

But the flip side is to know that my hubs and I 

decided a few years that when someone asks us how 

we are doing that we are going to respond with

 "Do you really want to know or are you just being polite?"

We appreciate honesty and those who are willing to be real with us. 

By the way, if you see us fighting in the church parking lot or foyer 

feel free to stand and watch/listen or not, but 

don't pretend you don't know how to pray for us. 

:) 

Love and blessings... 

New college mom

I am a new college mom....
My youngest is leaving for college in 24 days. She will be my first child to attend college. She has spent the last week packing up her room....she does not foresee herself living back at home with us. She will be my first child to move out.

Those that know and love our family ask "is she getting ready?", "got everything you need?"

I couldn't protect them...

A few days ago my husband and I spent the afternoon with a sweet couple that's been married for a number of years, have two grown children, and multiple grandchildren.  They love the Lord and each other evidenced in desiring first to seek the Lord and being willing to give us their afternoon.  As we shared our hurt and sought their counsel,  we knew full well that they would be honest with us, at all cost and love as the umbrella, we persevered.

You see a few years ago the Lord saw fit to begin the healing of our home.  Our home prior to this was a mess... 

Priorities out of whack. 

Idols bigger than ourselves. 

Pursuits that proved to be shallow and with end. 

A family divided. 

Hearts hurting. 

Self-protection was building.

Relationships crumbling. 

Damage was the tornado.
A desire to honor the Lord being ill-equipped.
God's Word readily accessible.
Humbled, but scared.

Healing a lot of times is like peeling back an onion. There are lots of layers and tears. So the peeling began...the healing started with my hubs and I being determined to reconcile our marriage.  

A husband that invested in his job. 

A wife that was lonely. 

Things were done and said that could not be taken back.

Years lost that could not be given back. 

Actions were taken to accept responsibilities. 

Forgiveness sought. 

A 'new couple' surfaced.

We were naive to think at that point that the 'layers' were done, but it was just getting started.  The Lord has been good to protect our children from many of the world's snares, but sadly those He placed to be their protection was busy causing the damage. 

Children who desired to be protected. 

A father who did not know how or why. 

A mother who did not know how.

I couldn't protect them.... 

Children that wanted to honor the Lord in spite of us. 

There's a reason that God designed a man and a woman to be 'the beginning' of a family.  It takes BOTH the mom and the dad anatomically to create a baby.  The baby, even at the onset of delivery, need the impact of the momma and the daddy spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Why...how have we reduced the value of a human life so far that the act of possibly creating a life is done with so much of a child-like approach?

As we sat with this precious couple, the Lord was good to show me something that was unexpected:   I thought I had forgiven my hubs!! I haven't forgiven him, but our son and daughter, who had been witnesses to the years of damage, continued 'the damage' through actions, mindsets, responses, etc.  My anger/hurt had been transferred to them. I am so tired of fighting for and with them...and the damage continues... I couldn't even protect them from me.

Through the conversation, it also surfaced that the fear of not having my hubs protection, as our spiritual leader, during those years was a real fear.  They need the protection of their father.  His approach after our reconciliation should not be discounted, but I tried for many years to protect our children from the lack of 'know how' from us.  There were years without protection prior to reconciliation...the protection of their Earthly father. I couldn't protect our children from this lack of protection.   As a result, they gave their hearts to others and built an opinion that they are not valued. I couldn't protect them from still needing their father. I couldn't be their father....only he could be that no matter how hard I tried.   We are grateful that the Lord is not done with us...as a family or individuals.  What a humbling process...

We are fighting, but now we (my hubs and I) are done fighting each other.  My hubs is seeking the Lord.  Together, my hubs and I with the help of the Lord, we are determined to seek reconciliation....even if that means showing how much we love our children in unconventional ways.  We know that we have a responsibility to help in the repair and reconciliation.  

It's official....

I have a sweet, dear friend that has been 'encouraging' me 

to blog about our experience visiting a college 

that our Caylor is interested in.....better late than never....

  As most of you with high school children can relate, 

the question "what are your plans after high school??" begins just 

after Freshman orientation.  When our 

son was nearing graduation, I dreaded 

that question.  Our society has conditioned

 us to think that college is the ONLY option 

after high school.  He, our son, did not want 

to pursue college.  We did not push him.  

To say that we did not struggle with him NOT 

going to college we would be lying.  Every

 parent wants 

to be able to share with their friends "our son/daughter

 is going to seek a degree in medicine, solving the world's 

deepest/darkest secrets, change the world, etc".   You 

know the modern day hero.  It's a pride thing when you struggle to say "nope, he has chosen to pursue work".  Well....we've 

conquered that hurdle.  But ONLY that 

hurdle...lol :)  I know there is still

 more to learn with the hurdles to come... 

Moving forward......

  Luckily, with already graduating a 

student that did not attend college,

 "that question" has not been frequently 

asked.  I don't know if people just 

expect her to not go to college or do not 

realize that she is graduating so soon 

("so soon" --that's my assessment) or ....??? 

So she entered this school year....

confident, energized, ready

 (great adjectives, huh??)....until that

 moment of 'what am I going to be doing next year?' hit her.  

She comes to me and says, "Mom, I don't know if I

 want to go to college..."  I waited for the 

rest of the thought, but that was it.  A few

 days go by, and she comes to me again

 and says, "I think I will just find a job and save some money, take a gap year."  

Now, a little back history, we have told our children that

 'finding a job' could NOT in any way shape or form 

include a cash register....they NEED SKILLS!!! So, 

the search for a job, that did not include a cash register 

and that would increase her skills, began. 

She's known 

for a few years that she wanted to be involved in

 missions.  Caylor plans to graduate May 2016. 

 In January she comes to me and says, 

"I think I may have found a college that will allow me to

 pursue missions and a degree in elementary 

education."  My first thought was 'I thought you 

were going to just pursue a job'.... (yes, I was slightly

 grieved :) ) Then reality hit and she needed me to 

support her, engage in what she was saying....I did.  

She brought up the idea of Bethany Global University. 

I told her to pray about it.  She says, "I have"--gently, shyly. 

Ok...so where is it??  MINNESOTA!!!!  Minnesota, y'all!!! 

 8 hours in the car....8 hours away!!!  

At this point, she is still in her 'waiting period' 

to obtain her driver's license. 

How??  How do we do this??

Back to reality, mom, back to reality....  

We can do this.    

 And....she wants to pursue 

missions with a minor in civil justice.  

She will be pursuing a 

degree that will allow her to minister to those without hope 

and to those trapped in sex trafficking, abusive situations, etc.  

Remember how I mentioned that every parents wants to 

share how their child is 'going to save the world'...I guess what 

I really meant was 'change the world by

 looking like you're 

doing a good thing while secretly being at home with 

your mom and dad that eventually includes a husband/wife that you are faithful to and 

a house full of children'....right??  

Africa....she has her sights set on Africa.  

Back when she had decided that she would just pursue a job...she had a list of  'reasons' that kept her from pursuing college: (just to mention a few)

                                         1.  taking the SAT/ACT

                                         2.  offering her interests as a degree 

                                         3.  opportunity for missions

Bethany Global University is a mission-minded college.  

They want students that are capable academically,

 but that is not their main focus.  Caylor has 

always struggled with test taking....so the idea 

of taking SAT/ACT was very intimidating for her. 

 SAT/ACT is not required.  She has always 

wanted to protect those that cannot protect themselves....  

Needless to say, BGU offers all of what she wanted 

and did not require things that she would prefer to avoid. :)  

#therunawaytrain has left the depot.  

The wheels began to obtain information 

about the college, a visit, the obvious--costs....

you know...the usual college route.  She contacted 

the college for further information, and, 

in the meantime, decided she wants to visit.  

The plans were made...we were scheduled to 

visit the campus March 3, 2016.  We would leave 

March 2nd to allow for travel time, stay on campus, 

tour on March 3rd, and head 

home March 4th.  

There were lots of correspondence of what

 to expect.  To say that they could not have 

prepared us for what we encountered would 

not be an exaggeration.  :)  

We arrived

 to the college after a long day of driving, 

encountering a winter storm, after dark, and 

with anticipation, of what we would see, building. 

We were greeted by a pleasant 

young woman. 

 She introduced herself, showed us to our room, and gave us 

instructions as to what we could expect for the following 

day (agenda: sit in on two freshman classes of our choice, chapel,

 lunch, tour, appt to meet with financial advisor).  We settled in, 

set the alarm, and the room progressively became very quiet.  

The alarm sounded the next morning. 

I slept....lightly....as the reality of 

that knowing of being where she 

needed to be was weighing heavily on me.

 We went for breakfast at McDonalds.  

We arrived back on campus to the same pleasant young 

woman.  The pleasant young woman directed us to our first freshman 

class that we would be sitting in on. 

As she guided us to the classroom, 

I witnessed genuine friendships, young men and woman that

were 'careful' with mixed company, 

professors that genuinely cared about missions....

but it was the second class that we sat in on that 

was the most fun.  It was a class that is 

required by ALL freshman to attend.  

It's a class that is designed to challenge the students to 

own their own relationship with Christ.  

We had the privilege 

of introducing ourselves to the professor....neat guy!!!  :)  

We were directed to the cafeteria.  Back in October 

we visited a Christian college in Oregon, when we 

sat down for lunch...not one person introduced themselves...

we sat alone.  At BGU, we had to drag extra 

seats over to allow for all of us to fit around the 

table.  It was a great time of fellowship with those 

that joined us.  We were blessed to hear how God 

was working in their life, brought them to BGU, the 

ministry opps they have experienced thru BGU.  

Chapel....well, as I have said before...we have been spoiled. 

At our home church (FBC) we have solid teaching and a 

congregation that truly desires to live the gospel. 

 It solidified our decision to find her a church if she 

ended up attending here. The tour was, as I am sure 

you would already expect, the least interesting part of the day.  

We chose to stay one more night to allow an 

opp to meet with pastors of local churches.  We 

began researching churches prior to leaving 

for our visit.  We were lucky to find a church that 

'sounded' good via their website.  We were 

disappointed to find that many local churches 

did not offer a mid-week service of any sort.  

The church that 'sounded' good made time 

for us to meet with the pastor.  We were pleasantly 

surprised meeting the pastor.  

We asked a lot of 

questions and he filled in a lot of 'holes' 

as we call them in our house.  

As we departed, everyone was quiet.  

In my own opinion, I think it was that 

sobering moment of realizing that #therunawaytrain 

we were driving was gaining speed and ground.  

You spend years nurturing, praying, agonizing, 

crying, smiling, laughing, living with these eternal 

souls that we have been trusted with to be reminded

 that they are not ours....they are HIS.  I 

spent yesterday helping a friend and discussing 

how easy it is to think that we can

 'save our children'.  I am grateful that my

 job is not to 'save my children', but rather to point them to Him. 

As I write this, I think about how big her heart is, 

how much she just loves people, how she HATES 

injustice....funny thing, she sounds like her brother 

that 'just pursued a job' after high school.  

Pro 16:9

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

She found out a few days ago that she was accepted...

SHE HAS BEEN ACCEPTED!!!  

We are so proud of her. 

Now....the road to prepare for her departure 

begins...and the realization that her never really

living with us again will probably end when she 

packs her car and moves to BGU.  

Sharing God's goodness...

I belong to a HS group that is FULL of great families.  The woman of this group truly embrace the definition of a Godly woman.  Every family represented approaches the topics in life a little differently, but that is one thing I LOVE about this group.  The perspectives brought to the table is amazing.  Sometimes with perspectives comes a sense of self-righteousness...."I can't believe they are letting their child ______".  In our group, if this is a problem, is done with such tact and dignity that only our spouses hear these statements.  In our group, these families are committed to praying with and for each other, and NEVER choose to gossip, bad mouth, or condemn one another.

Last night, a few of us that were able to attend gathered around a table at DQ.  Some of us enjoyed french fries, ice cream, coffee, soda, but, I think, we all enjoyed the conversation.  We got on the topic of how, as woman, we should fulfill the task of a Titus 2 woman in regards to the older woman teaching the younger woman.

So I asked the question:
What would I (older Carrie) say to the younger Carrie??  In other words, what do I wish I would have heard when I was a young woman seeking to be a Godly woman.  One of the responses that was given was, "It's going to be hard being a wife and mom!!!".  Another response was "it's exhausting being a wife and mom."

When I think of my response to my own question, my response would be:
Pray more, demand things from other less and try to control things less.  When we seek God to change the situation that we feel the need to demand things from others or want to control, He changes them in a way that results in a change in us.  He changes our perspectives as from what we deserve to what we REALLY deserve.  We deserve Hell...we all do, but He has given us eternal life when we submit ourselves to Him and His purpose.